SPARKLEPONY! Star Search

 SPARKLEPONY! is searching for our first celebrity* endorsement.  If you were some level of celebrity in the 1980s or 1990s and are ready for a comeback** we are ready for you. If you had drug/alcohol/psychological problems in the past, but are clean and recovered*** now we want you.  America loves a tale of redemption.  Have you ever wanted to tell the world your story, but found that writing it down requires too much effort and an attention span that you are lacking.  We have an editor**** to help you with your memoirs.  Your book will follow the following format: 1) you are the celebrity that was in insert show/movie/band here. 2) After your fall from fame you took a nose dive into insert drug/alcohol/psychological issue here. 3) You hit rock bottom. 4) You discovered the healing powers of SPARKLEPONY! and it raised you up and led you to your best life ever. 5) The End= Buy more SPARKLEPONY!

Are you afraid that you don't have enough excitement in your past to sell your memoirs?  Don't worry.  James Frey has shown us that a memoir doesn't have to be true.  The only reason that Oprah berated him on television is that he wasn't a celebrity before her endorsement of his book.  Since you were a celebrity in the past, you will only see the softest of softball questions.  If they have a doctor or scientific authority to counterpoint your/SPARKLEPONY!'s claims it will be from the audience.  The doctor/scientific authority will be forced to raise his hand to speak, where you will have a microphone on you from the stage.  Just be prepared to smile a lot and say things like, "SPARKLEPONY! saved my life."
ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR COMEBACK? IF SO, BE READY TO SMILE AND SAY "I'm ready for my closeup Mr. Martin."***** Remember to be a celebrity spokesman for SPARKLEPONY! you don't have to use SPARKLEPONY! you just have to say you do.

*-"celebrity" can be read "has been."

TRY SPARKLEPONY!

**-This "comeback" will be restricted to appearing on daytime talk shows and late night infomercials promoting your new book on healthy living, which focuses greatly on SPARKLEPONY!
***-You don't actually have to be clean and sober, but have to be able to realistically present yourself as such on said daytime talk shows.
****-"editor" should read "ghostwriter"
*****-Cliff Martin, the cameraman on Dr. Phil.

Big Pharma Doesn't Want You To Know About SPARKLEPONY!

Big Pharma's Jackboots Trying to Shut Down SPARKLEPONY!

SPARKLEPONY! isn't selling as well as I think it should be.*  At first I was blaming myself.  Maybe I shouldn't be marketing medications that haven't been "tested for scientific statistical significance."  I thought, "maybe people don't want the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the greatest line of multi level marketed supplements."  Then it occurred to me: the reason that SPARKLEPONY!'s sales haven't taken off as expected is because of the international conspiracy organized by Big Pharma.  They want you to purchase the medications that they make that are shown to "perform better than a placebo."  They have joined forces with government agencies to regulate "unsafe therapies" and "unproven claims."  They convince government agencies to "prosecute charlatans for fraud."**   It's the same as when they had the bust of the "laboratory"*** that first generation SPARKLEPONY! homeopathic pills were made, just because they found that it was a "cover for a methamphetamine manufacturing operation."  Don't buy the hype that Big Pharma is spinning.  They are using there connections with government agencies**** to try to censor SPARKLEPONY!

Don't Swallow Their Poison!

Here's something to think about: In 2005 over 22,000 people died due to prescription drug overdoses*****, but no one died from using SPARKLEPONY!******

Take SPARKLEPONY!

*-Where are my hundreds of associates selling the truckloads of SPARKLEPONY! that I've got sitting in a U-Haul under the bridge?
**-In the last case the charges were dropped because I technically never used the term "cure."
***-"laboratory" should actually read "storage unit by the freeway."
****-Technically the following agencies can't censor: FDA: Food and Drug Administration, SEC: Securities and Exchange Commission, DEA: Drug Enforcement Agency, ICE: Immigration and Customs Enforcement, FTC: Federal Trade Commission or the Better Business Bureau.
*****-Source for statistic prescription drug overdoses: CDC
******-1)SPARKLEPONY! homeopathic pills are homeopathic and so no "therapeutic" ingredient is found in concentrations greater than 1:10,000,000,000,000
2) This study is from 2005 and SPARKLEPONY! wasn't released onto the market until 2011.

Lose Weight in 2012 with SPARKLEPONY! for Weight Loss

Start your new years off right.  For years you have planned on losing weight and keeping it off.  You've tried altering your diet and exercise.  You've significantly reduced your caloric intake and exercised yourself to exhaustion, but as soon as you stop the weight and more adds back on. Contrary to popular belief, diet and exercise are not the keys to long term weight loss.  If they aren't the way to keeping the weight off, what is? Finally there is a solution.  SPARKLEPONY! for Weight Loss is the solution that you have been looking for.  SPARKLEPONY! for Weight Loss is a proven system** for losing unwanted weight and keeping it off. 
In addition to the SPARKLEPONY! mantra and SPARKLEPONY! homeopathic pills, SPARKLEPONY! for Weight Loss requires a regimented diet of nothing but 1 boiled egg in the morning and as much boiled cabbage as you want for the rest of the day.  The diet must be followed Monday through Friday.  On the Weekends you may choose to add one cup of applesauce or one cup of plain yoghurt each day.
When you get cravings you simply take a SPARKLEPONY! homeopathic pill and chant "SPARKLEPONY!" as much as is needed until you no longer feel hungry. SPARKLEPONY! homeopathic pills have several  homeopathic appetite suppressants that unlike other appetite suppressants will not make you feel jittery.***  Given that SPARKLEPONY! pills are safe and homeopathic you can take as many as you would like in a day.  Remember that the SPARKLEPONY! mantra works better the louder you say it and the more you repeat it.
Live your best life now.  Start using SPARKLEPONY! for Weight Loss today!****
You will lose the weight and will live the best life you can imagine.*****

*-Results are not typical. 1) These are obviously two different people, because of their height difference.  2) They are of two different sexes. 3) This is not an actual photo, but an extremely crude picture drawn on GPaint.
**-A proven system provided that you can maintain the regimen that is required. 
***-SPARKLEPONY! homeopathic pills may contain some of the following proven appetite suppressants: ephedra, nicotine, caffeine, amphetamine, or yerba mate.  As an active ingredient in a medicine these would all cause you to feel jittery, but as the homeopathic concentrations are less than 1 part per 1,000,000,000,000 (one trillion) they are guaranteed to not make you feel jittery.
****-This is not intended as a call to action.
*****-The phrase "the best life you can imagine" is subjective, it may include the following side effects: stomach cramps, chronic diarrhea, constipation, daytime hallucinations, decreased BS detection, a numb gaydar, dizziness, obnoxious stomach rumbling, tooth and/or hair loss, narcolepsy, and indigestion.  In addition you may find that you have a less energy to do the things that you want to do.